will he every stop lying? - Talk About Marriage

Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

Yesterday, 02:02 PM	? #1 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: oklahoma city Posts: 3	This is going to be long so be ready. My husband and I have been married for a few months now and right after the wedding moved across the country for his job. Things just all came crashing down on me over the past week. I have no one to talk to because I don't want either of us to be judged. Any advice or comfort would help. Before marriage: We met a few years ago and began dating. We fell quickly for each other. I moved in rather quickly. Things were going great! He told me anything I wanted to know. He explained he had some law suits open against his ex fiance. He was very open about everything. He showed me a print out of his account and how much money he had. He had been moving up at his job, and was very successful. He had good credit. Not to mention he was the sweetest man I've ever met. My family loved him. He made me feel like I was his world. He was just the total package! About 6 months in I had to get a restraining order on someone and quit my job. 8 days after I quit my job I was looking at my online profile and deleting it. (i met him online) I found the thread where we first started talking and was rereading it. I noticed the information he gave about past relationships was different from what he had been telling me. I caught a lie!! (I had suspicions of him lying just never caught any.) I sent a HUGE email calling him out on it. I was so upset. He then sent a reply and confessed everything. There were no law suits open. His credit was **** and he was falling behind on rent fast. (Living beyond his means.) Even the "bank account" printout I saw was a fake. (He is VERY tech savvy.) Everything he had told me thus far was a lie. I pretty much had a meltdown. Not only did I just quit my job so I couldn't leave, I had helped him lie (not knowingly) to my family and friends. I was so angry and wanted to leave. But at the same time I still loved him so much. I called and told my mom. (3am) She told me to pray. She also told me she thought he as a nice guy and that I should give him another chance. Everyone makes mistakes. She said he didn't have to apologize to her or Dad. As long as he made it right with me thats all that mattered. So we worked it out. I forgave him and he swore never to lie again. He said he hated hurting me and just wanted to make me happy. Things were going great after that. He showed me everything. His credit score. His actual bank account. (Even added me to the account.) He was earning my trust back and being just wonderful. On our one year he proposed. (Even asked my Dad for permission first.) A year later we got married. The night before we got married I asked if he was POSITIVE there were no more lies. I did not want to start a marriage on a lie. He assured me he was nothing but truthful. The wedding was everything I always wanted! After Marriage: We moved a week after the wedding for his job. We are now across the country. I am away from all my family and friends and quite lonely. We seemed to be getting stronger for it though since all we had was each other. Things were going great! Then last friday we were going to get me a car. He was going to be on the loan since I don't have a job yet in this state. We were sitting in the car office waiting for approval. It took forever! I walked out and said I was done waiting. He came out to the car and said we were not approved because his credit says he has a bankruptcy. He was pissed off saying he has to rush home and call credit agencies and report it as a false thing on the report. He seemed really angry. I looked at him and said I need you to tell me if you are lying. Please tell me. If you filed for bankruptcy I need to know. He started crying. He told me everything. (Again.) How a MONTH after we started DATING he filed. (chapter 13) He had a few more years on payments. He racked up all the debt buying his ex fiance fancy clothes and jewelry. He was lying to her about money too. He had thousands in credit card debt. He also included the car he was driving on it. (Which both his family and I think is payed off.) So the ENTiRE relationship was based on lies. I was devastated! I felt like the wedding was a lie. I couldn't look at pictures or anything. I feel like the person I said I would spend the rest of my life with was a fictional character. I felt lost. I still do. We have been fighting the last week. I love him with all my heart and at the same time I hate him. I feel like he is a stranger. He told me he was done lying this time and that he couldn't stand how emotionally distraught I've been. That brings us to last night. I was asking him about everything he has ever told me. I was asking if there were any other lies and that I needed to know everything. Then he confessed AGAIN. All the things he said about the job offers he had in our early relationship were lies. (raises and things that he didn't get.) He told me he lied about his first gf. They never had sex. He didn't lose his virginity till he met his ex fiance. (The girl right before me.) ***** I don't know what to do anymore. I don't feel like I can tell anyone because I feel like they will be biased and say I have to leave him. That is not what I want. That is a VERY LAST resort. I had a Catholic wedding and my marriage is forever. I am just so depressed. I sit here all day and cry. I am a thousand miles away from anyone I know and the one person I should be able to find comfort in is the one hurting me. I feel like he is a stranger. I have no idea if the lies will ever stop. Can a compulsive liar ever get help? I don't know where to turn or how to fix this. He really does seem to want to get help. He is in the process of finding a therapist through his insurance. He says he knows he needs IC before we could ever do MC. I have not forced him. He is doing it all on his own. He begs me not to leave and is admitting he may have an addicting to lying. I feel like he is trying harder this time to prove he is sorry. I am just scared. I have been hurt so deeply and don't know how to start the healing. Other than the lies we really are perfect together. We go to church together. We agree on having children someday and how to parent them. His family loves me and mine love him. He doesn't have spending problems anymore. He actually saves money now and bargain shops! He is honestly perfect in every way except for lying about money. I could understand in the beginning trying to impress me but we are married now! I will stop rambling. Just venting since I can't to anyone else. Like I said please give me any advice you can. Try to be understanding. These wounds are fresh and I need compassion. Thank you for your time!!
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Yesterday, 02:47 PM	? #2 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: Missouri Posts: 318	He is a compulsive liar. The chances of him changing are very, very slim. He isnt lying just about money, he is lying about his life, about who he is. You probably need to be the one looking for a therapist for him, because he is probably lying about that too. This is a very serious issue, and he is very likely not going to change unless there consequences from you. As in, you will end this marriage if the lies continue, because him changing because of his deep enduring love for you is unlikely. I'm sorry you are dealing with this, I have been in relationships with compulsive liars before, and it truely is miserable.
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Today, 06:25 AM	? #4 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Nov 2012 Posts: 122	"I sit here all day and cry." ...And yet he does not stop. Catholic marriage aside, were it not for that, would you get divorced, honestly? If there were no repercussions from family, neighbors, the stigma of divorce, would you leave him? This is who he is, he misrepresented himself when you got married, and you are now seeing that you don't like who he is. Yet, you want to stay. That is your choice. It is also your choice whether you want to live a happy life, where you wake up and don't worry about your spouse making things up all the time? What is your idea of an ideal marriage, or at least one that you can tolerate? Because this is NOT a situation you should tolerate, it is unfair to you. Do you truly value yourself? Because with his behavior, he is showing you that he doesn't value and doesn't respect you. I am not going to advise that you leave, and you don't seem to want to hear that from anyone. But you don't have many choices at the moment. What if you stay with him and then some time from now he decides to get a divorce from you? and you end up saying to yourself, I could have left a long time ago.
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Today, 01:39 PM	? #5 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: oklahoma city Posts: 3	you know i was hoping to get compassion when coming to this site. all i have been getting is negativity and hopelessness. yes he has made many mistakes. yes we are having major problems right now. no i am not just giving up right away without giving it a chance. if i wanted to leave i would've when he lied the first time after 6 months of dating. that time i DID tell my family and friends about the lies. they didn't hate him....they didn't advise me to leave. they talked my through it and comforted me. I just don't want to tell everyone again...not right now anyway. and my staying is NOT solely because i got married in the church because i COULD get it annulled. I could prove the marriage was coerced based on fraud...my mom got an annulment once and I could too. That is not the point. I want to stay married because of who he is. Lies aide...he is a loving and generous man. you all do not know him. Yes I don't know everything about him anymore because of the lies...but I know enough. I posted on this site because i was hoping for people to talk me through HOW TO STAY!!! Not how to run away. This site is talk about marriage...not convince people to divorce. I would like some feedback on where do we go from here? how do I start the healing process for me? what steps can we take individually and then together? those are the things I want to know. so please if you are going to post on my thread be NICE! I am looking for comfort. I am looking for someone to tell me that I can still have SOME hope. I am not hoping someone gives me illusions or that its going to be easy and perfect. I am just looking for hope.
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Today, 02:13 PM	? #8 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: Missouri Posts: 318	I'm sorry you are not finding comfort in the truth, sometimes reality is harsh. I have been in relationships with men who were compulsive liars, so its not like I dont have a realistic perspective on it. It is positive that he admits that he has a problem. In order for him to make changes, like Mavash said, he is going to need to commit to this. You need to keep him accountable. I swear lying is like a personality disorder or something, it becomes so ingrained in who they are that its like a natural reflex! YOU should find him a therapist who specializes in compulsive behaviors/lying, or who has extensive experience with it. Make his appointment. Drive him to the appointment. If it is allowed, sit in on his session, because it is quite likely he will lie to the therapist. Even though HE really wants to work on this, his compulsion may take over here. I wish you luck with this. Dishonesty is a MAJOR marriage killer.
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Today, 03:28 PM	? #9 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: Run over @ corner of Happy & Healthy Posts: 2,210	1.) You're on a public forum, you don't get to pick and choose who answers. Take what you like, ignore what you don't. 2.) You might get advice more to your liking if you post your thread in the Relationship & Addiction section of this forum. I'm not saying your H is "addicted" to lying, but the dynamics of your relationship are not unlike those of a married couple with an addicted spouse. 3.) You're too embarrassed and humiliated to admit to your own family that he's lied to you TWICE MORE about important things; even though YOU say they have been supportive and comforting. Why not tell them NOW? Are you afraid their comfort and support will wane when they find out (like you) that his lying is HABITUAL? That THEY will talk you out of staying married to him? 4.) You might consider a Roman Catholic forum for support in how to stay in this relationship. Since the RC church frowns on divorce, there would probably be LOTS of support from people who would tell you how to stay in your marriage, what you can try to make it work. . __________________ Your problem is your bf's NEED to be in female friend's 'circle of light' instead of in yours. He's a moth drawn to HER flame, but she's not taking care of his moth balls, thus, he's with you. Last edited by SlowlyGettingWiser; Today at 03:36 PM.
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